I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night