I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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