mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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