Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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