My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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