he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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