I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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