I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
