Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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