i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
