don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
