guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
