I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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