Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
