He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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