And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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