morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
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Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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