Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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