I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
