It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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