The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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