My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
