Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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