Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
