There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just cut my nipple shaving
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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