In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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