how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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