You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
