He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
