I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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