I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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