I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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