he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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