I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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