If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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