everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
