this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
