That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
