I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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