Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
