He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
