u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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