she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
