tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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