I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
