Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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