WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
