I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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