dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
