I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My bed smells like the plague
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