we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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