yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
