insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
