That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You are the jesus of drinking
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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