so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
