Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
